I'm Not In Love With The Modern World

Coheed and Cambria is just the best band.

Really enjoying today. Perhaps this is a new season after all :)

So for the past few months I have been going through probably the hardest time in my life. I don’t really want to go into too much detail but basically I have grown up a lot. And you would think growing up would make life a lot easier and things would start working out better now that the path isn’t so winding. Not so for me.

I am going to be twenty four in a few days. It’s scary. I have said for the longest time that I won’t live past twenty four. It was always a feeling I had. I guess in a few different ways that is true I died a little while back. Or at least the parts of me that needed to die died. For the past two months I have been having serious problems with what the medical field has diagnosed as mood disorder. It has put me on a few different medications and made me spend time in places I never thought I would end up. Honestly this kind of thing has probably been building for quite some time. I just never wanted to be that person. The weak one that couldn’t solve his problems on his own. But at the end of the day. We all need help outside ourselves.

My heart is broken. I am alone. I feel crushed. But it’s well deserved. For years I have taken advantage of everyone. Namely one person who believed in me probably more than anyone ever has. But everyone has a breaking point. This person has let go of me. For the better I’m sure. She held me so tight and I took it all for granted. But when I died to all that I was. I stopped taking it for granted. I knew what I needed. I knew all that this person was to me. Knowing all of this has put me through a lot. Has put her through a lot. I’m not sure what the future holds.

Those that are closest to me tell me that I need to work on myself. It’s a strange thing to think about. Working on myself. I am a very selfish person, but with all of the selfish things I do I have others in mind. I have never really done anything fully for myself. So this is a very new concept. But it’s all starting to happen. I am realizing with others help that I really will be okay no matter what happens. Sure, it’s hell every day right now. But the mind will only take so much before it decides that its had enough. I believe I have reached that point.

Twenty four is going to be a good year. I am letting my fears aside. I am putting my apprehension aside. And I am going to live.

It’s an excuse now to say “people have very short attention spans these days”. Why aren’t we trying to change that? Shouldn’t we be fighting against it as if it’s a deadly illness?

I woke up early and walked a dog named Zeus. He is a black dog with curly hair. He was sitting on stairs when I walked into his house.

I imagine that he didn’t want me in his house but he realized that he had a reputation to uphold and so he didn’t act on it. He also had to pee and poop and had no way of exiting the house without my help.

I walked him around his massive yard for a while. Suddenly he sat down and sighed ” I have a confession” he said. “I don’t really like you” “why is that” I replied. “you come over here and act like you have such a terrible life and that nothing is going the way you want, things can get tough at times but if you don’t have the balls to man up and really be there for the people around you then you might as well quit, trust me, they took my balls long ago”

I looked at the ground and thought about what he said. Just then I made a decision to act happier while around Zeus to avoid conversations like that in the future.