Actually my first real solo record. It is eight songs long and I am very proud of it. All of the songs have been written in the past three months and they are full of just the greatest feelings in the world.
I move forward alone. Only not totally alone. Faith and grace. Doubt and sorrow. Patience and forgiveness. Love never dies, it’s only delayed from time to time.
Action must be taken at some point. Eventually it becomes your decision. How long do you sit on a shelf like an old book that has been read enough times that it has lost it’s wonder? You have been replaced by another book that is everything that you weren’t. Can you make the right choice? What is the right choice? Is the choice even yours to make? How much is too much?
I do not know.
But I am a living breathing person. Not a fucking book.
It’s weird when you live long enough and actually find your place. With your life, job, hobbies, friends and the one you love.
Sometimes finding the place doesn’t necessarily mean you are where you need to be. Personally I know exactly where I need to be. But I’m not allowed to be there. And there is really nothing I can do. This can be discouraging and make you want to give up. But time is an interesting thing. Time is like a war. You want it to go your way so you battle with it until you realize that there is no way to win. Return home and peacefully wait for time to work on its own. There is a chance it will agree with you. There is a chance it won’t. Everyone has their own place to be. Sometimes it doesn’t add up with where you need to be. But you still need to wait. You need to be patient. Patience. Letting time work, heal and move. That is the greatest lesson I have learned.
Words aren’t a waste if they are actually heard.
People that push me to do better, push me to do better for myself. Which in turn pushes me to a place of being able to help the ones I love. Which are the people that push me.
This is only a season. I have lived this long. It has all lead me here. I will climb out of this grave I have dug for myself.
..know how I’m going to get through the next stage of this season. But I know at this point I have to. No more breakdowns. No more overly sad days. I want some things very badly. And the only way to get them is to do absolutely nothing to do so. Which seems so backwards to me. Therefor doesn’t seem reasonable. Stop everything. Make it seem like you never existed and things will inevitably go your way.
I have tried everything else. Ignored the facts and screwed up over and over again. So at this point what do I have to lose by giving nothing a shot.
Write what you want to write. Write what comes to your mind. No matter what.
I feel great. I feel like I need to thank everyone in my life right now for being so good to me and so helpful through this season of my life. I have been annoying. Back and forth. Flip flopping constantly. But this morning I have some realizations. Or at least one. Love is eternal. And one can only truly love another when they learn to love themselves. One can only love themselves when they realize their worth and that they were loved first. Also that loving someone has nothing to do with them loving you back, what they have done, what they will do. Love is probably the last true and honest thing we have on this planet. If you have found this. Hold tightly to it. Do not let it go for any reason. But if its truly love, you won’t let it go. Because it won’t let you go.
Tell the people you love that you love them today.